


Mulligan

by soshe



Category: Janet King (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:48:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29982414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soshe/pseuds/soshe
Summary: takes place at the end of the 3rd season of Janet Kinga very slow burn
Relationships: Bianca Grieve & Janet King, Bianca Grieve/Janet King
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

Bianca remembered the first time she held Emma more clearly than most of the early memories she had of the twins. It was right after the horrific incident with Peta, after she had shot her. Andy wanted to pull her aside to make sure she was ok, standard protocol after an officer uses their weapon but she wasn’t having any of it, she wasn’t going to leave Janet’s side nor the kids. She has failed to protect them from Peta even if Janet never blamed her for it, she was still going to keep them in her orbit. She remembered Emma clinging to a shellshocked Janet holding onto Liam’s hand. When Emma reached for her with arms open Bianca instinctively accepted her request, relieving Janet to hold Liam. She didn’t know why Emma did that, she didn’t have the training to decipher a three-year-old’s motives or thought process. All she knew was this little creature whom she just met recently placed her little blond head in the crook of Bianca’s neck and it was then that Bianca knew she was going to grow to love her and protect her as long as her mother would allow. 

Ever since, whenever Emma was tired or sleepy, too fatigued to put up a wall, the little girl, full of blonde hair and her mother’s smile would come to her; wanting to be held or carried or just a napping companion, and Bianca obliged, her heart and mind tracing back to that awful day and how Emma reached for her.

She had conveyed this to her baby sister, a child psychologist. She told Shoshana how hot and cold Emma was towards her and that she thought that was her way of protecting Ash’s memories. 

“This Ash, was she the biological mother?”

Bianca shook her head. 

“And they were how old when she was murdered?”

“18 months I think.”

Soshana made a cringing face and rubbed her protruding belly. She was in her third trimester and imagining the horror of not seeing her own child grow up.

“Then they most likely don’t remember anything about her, everything they know is through words and pictures and children that young can’t process existential things like death. They can only process Janet as a parent. How long of a maternity did Janet take?”

She nodded, “A year.”

“That’s unusually long especially with a partner. It's a long period, so she really bonded with the twins.”

“Ash wasn’t very keen on her going back to work early.” Bianca understood clearly why now, she knew Janet was going to be consumed by work. She didn’t tell Shoshana that even when it was time for Ash to be the stay at home mum, she fought it. She applied for a position at a school only a month after Janet had gone back to work and would often use a nanny so that she could go to yoga or meet up with friends. Their relationship began to deteriorate rapidly. Ash withdrew from Janet more and more and never truly bonded with the twins. She actively went out of her way to not be there for them and Janet thought it was probably her getting ready to leave them.

Shoshana nodded, “Emma isn’t pushing you away because of Ash, she’s probably pushing you away because she thinks she has to compete with you for her mother’s attention or someone else’s attention. Or you’re paying too much attention to someone else and not enough to her.”

Shoshana looked at her big sister’s deflated face. She hasn’t seen her this upset over a woman since Bianca’s first girlfriend decided to go back to her boyfriend. She didn’t like Janet from the few morsels Bianca would let her in. She knew of ambitious, brilliant, career driven women like Janet, she studied them in Uni. She’s seen her on television, read about her in the news, seen pictures on Bianca’s Instagram feed. Soshana would characterize her as smart, beautiful, formidable but also arrogant, dismissive; most people have to be to get that far professionally, especially in the role she’s in, being the public face of an entire criminal justice system filled with average men who hate, envy and who lust after her all at the same time. 

“Did you know that there is a lying contest in the UK every year, but two professions are barred from entering. The first are politicians, what’s the second?”

Bianca looked confused. She wasn’t in the mood for riddles but she knew Shoshana was only trying to lighten her mood. She thought about it then rolled her eyes, “Lawyers.”

Shoshana chuckled and drummed her fingers on her belly. 

“She’s not like that, I just bitch to you about the bad stuff.”

“What’s the good stuff?”

Bianca picked at her cuticle, something she hadn’t done in years. She felt tears well up and she swallowed hard to suppress them.

“I’ve seen your Instagram, you love those kids. They’ve imprinted on you and you’re all that they know outside their mum. She can’t be all that bad for you to invest like that.”

Bianca stayed silent, all her energy focused on trying not to hysterically weep.

Shoshana struggled to get up from her chair; she waddled over to her big sister, plopping down next to her. She placed her arm around her. 

“It’s ok, let it out. Losing a girlfriend is one thing but losing a family is gut wrenching. You’re allowed to be a mess.”

Tears started to roll down Bianca’s cheeks. She placed her head on her sister’s shoulder.

“What was the last straw?”

Bianca heaved and wiped her nose on her sleeve. “I don’t know, her dad? The orphan she semi adopted?”

“How many times did you try to bring it up?”

“I don’t know, why?”

“Remember when I used to take your clothes- I mean borrow- without asking you first?”

“Mhmm.”

“Years I did it, and you didn’t say a word until you blew up one day.”

“You deserved it.” Bianca touched her sister’s belly, marveling at the fact that a human was growing in there. She missed the twins, she missed coming home to a noisy house.

“I did, but not like that. You didn’t once try to stop me or tell me not to.”

“You should have known!” 

“How could I? I assumed you were cool with it since you didn’t say jack for YEARS.”

“I know what you’re doing it’s not the same, and why are you on her side.”

Soshana kissed her sister on the top of her head. “I will always be on your side B. But you have the tendency to let things boil and stew, just like Dad and explode.”

“What are you trying to say? I just felt a kick I think!” Bianca said sitting up and in awe. 

Shoshana grimaced, “Yea that little shit is doing backflips in there.”

“You made a human Shosh.”

“You’ve been taking care of 2 for 2 plus years, from what I hear better than their own mum.”

“I didn’t mind, I actually liked it.”

“You love it, you have to really love it and love her to jump in head first like that. If I didn’t know better and I looked at your Instagram I would think they were yours.”

Bianca nodded in agreement. She was right, deep down Bianca probably adopted them in her head.

“The dad thing, and again I’m not defending her at all, it’s just professionally speaking, parents fuck kids up. Her seeking love and approval from an absentee father is text book daddy issues. She has zero control over that or how to process it, only a therapist can walk her through that landmine.”

Bianca just listened, she knew her sister was talking to her from a clinical perspective now and she knew it was why she came to her.

“As for her savior complex I don’t know enough to speak on it but she thinks you’re ok and her kids are ok so she “saves” people who aren’t ok.”

“But I’m not ok.”

“How is she supposed to know that if you blow up once?”

“That’s bullshit, I know when she’s not ok or hurting.”

“Yes but you were brought up by loving parents and siblings-“

“Who steals my clothes.”

“Oh get over it.”

“She doesn’t have any siblings, her parents divorced, her mom is a floozy, and she was shipped off to boarding school.”

“So basically no one cared about her. She received little to no parental love or support. And you wonder why she wants to help people who can’t help themselves.”

“Hmm. So I’m supposed to take it because we had better childhoods?”

“Oh fuck no. But she doesn’t see you as needing her as much as an orphan or a molested child. But she should acknowledge your pain because it’s all relative. You shouldn’t have to be a victim for her to care and put you first.”

“How do I get her to do - see that?”

“Tell her.”

“I did.”

“Then what did you do?”

“Blew up and walked away, blame dad.” Bianca looked down at her sister’s feet. “Are those my trainers?”

Shoshana giggled, “My feet swell up like and your feet are so much bigger just deal with it.”

“People don’t change.”

“You’re not technically asking her to change, you’re asking her to redirect who she puts first.”

“Hmm,” Bianca nodded absentmindedly. She began to feel drowsy from all the crying and all the heavy emotions.

“Remember that scene from Gray’s Anatomy where Meredith tells Derek, “Pick me, love me, choose me.”

“How can I forget, we’ve watched it like 100 times.”

Shoshana sighed, “Patrick Dempsey. Did’ya know he’s on my free pass list? You reckon he’ll ever come to Australia.”

Bianca’s mobile lit up just then, the text tone that chimed had long been assigned to the name JAK flashed before the text appeared. Shoshana snatched it before Bianca could as if they were in high school again.

“Who is JAK? Oh wow it’s a long one.”

“Give it Sosh I’m serious.”

“Why is a man texting you this?” 

Bianca took the phone back from her and read the long text. 

I’m sorry. I know this is the first time I’ve said that to you and it’s inexcusable.

I’m sorry for not putting you first.  
I’m sorry for not listening to you.  
I’m sorry for taking my issues with Graham out on you.  
I’m sorry for not asking how you feel.  
You are the best thing that has ever walked into my life and the twin’s and I know I took your love and devotion for granted.

Thank you. I know I also don’t say that enough if at all.

I want to change, I don’t want to be like my father. I have to change, I don’t want the twins to turn out like me or him.  
I want them to grow up more like you, selfless, patient, loving, considerate, kind, brave, humble, and empathetic.

I want to be better for them. I want to be better for you but I know it’s too late.

I do love you. I am in love with you. I just didn’t show it and you deserve better, you deserve so much more than what I gave to you.

She started to tear up again.

“Who’s Jak?”

“Janet Ava King,” Bianca said meekly. “What do I do?”

Soshana waddled over to her sister again and hugged her from behind. “I don’t know B. Whatever you decide, you have to be sure for the kids’ sake.”

Bianca closed her eyes, her head was starting to throb with searing pain.


	2. Tony's opening salvo

Tony knew something was up. They were both acting strange at work. To anyone else, things appear normal, but Janet was extra aloof today and Bianca wasn’t her usual laid back easy self.

When Janet left early muttering something about the twins she left without saying goodbye to Bianca who was inexplicably still in the office despite having really nothing to do that she couldn’t pawn off on Wayne.

“Trouble in Graceland Priscilla?” He asked when he caught Bianca in the break room staring at a kettle that was whistling.

“Hmm?” Bianca said snapping back to reality.

“How bad?” He asked to assess the situation. Was it a lover’s quarrel or something bigger?

Bianca didn’t look at him. “Bad. Over.”

Tony’s heart sank, sure for Janet, but mostly the kids.

“The kids-”

“I know.”

“You have to be sure this is it.” He wasn’t going to get into the details, it wasn’t his business and he knew this was coming from a mile away. He understood.

Bianca was silent. She didn’t know. She knew she couldn’t take it anymore but she knew she was also deeply, madly, unreasonably in love with her. She wasn’t a cryer and definitely not at work. She had men looking up to her, men who would go to battle for her, men who would take a bullet for her, they could never see her crying. Well maybe Wayne, she could do no wrong in Wayne’s eyes.

“I know.” She said again. Not only did she break up with her at work, which was really, really shitty but now Janet has to deal with the kids. Children never blame the partner who leaves, always the one who stays. “I don’t know what else to do, Tony.”

“Just make sure you are absolutely sure about this because there’s no coming back from it. It won’t be fair to the kids.” He reminded again before walking out.

Uncle Tony razzle dazzled at dinner, pulling out his best show to distract the fact that this was the fourth night that Bianca was missing from dinner. Janet has yet to find her footing on what to say about her absence but “work”. 

Bathed and tuckered out, the twins fell asleep fast.

They hadn’t talked about Bianca, but there was a tacit understanding that she left. Tony waited all week for Janet to bring it up but opening up first on something as foreign as her emotions to another just wasn’t in her DNA. She wasn’t going to go first.

“Fix it.” He said simply.

“She won’t let me.” Janet shot back, exasperated. She got up from the dinner table and took her plate with her to the sink. She was tempted to slam them but remembered she had put two exhausted 5-year-olds to bed not long ago.

“When has that ever stopped you from, anything?”

“I,” Janet stammered, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. “I said she could move in.”

Tony snorted, “So she can be a full-time nanny?” Tony knew he triggered her as soon as the words came out of his mouth. He saw the anger flashed across her dark blue eyes. He didn’t care, she was going to get this whether she liked it or not, and unlike Bianca, he wasn’t going anywhere.

“Oh, that’s not fair.” Janet poured herself another glass of wine. 

Tony leaned back in his chair. “Tell me I’m wrong. Come on, counselor, make your case.” 

“What are you trying to do here?” She gesticulated with her glass of wine.

Tony wasn’t going to let her emotionally manipulate her way out of this. “You said she could move in? Think of how that sounds Janet. Was it a discussion or you made the decision for all involved? Were you also going to let Graham continue to belittle and dismissive towards her when he will also eventually move in the next time he decides to crash into your life again?”

Her jaw dropped but Tony didn’t care. She should be familiar with what he was doing, she could teach a master class on it. He's seen her do it so many times in the courtroom. Back them into a corner where they trip on the facts and go for the jugular. 

“You went out of your way to spend as much time as possible with Graham after I specifically asked you/to you not to. We all come second Janet, me, your kids, Bianca. You make unilateral decisions and we all have to fall in line.”

“I didn’t ask her-”

“No you didn’t, she did all of it because she loves you; she loves the twins. You can’t do this alone, not with your job. You need help or something has to give and you made her the sacrificial lamb. You’ve gotten used to me and her being here and worse you’re taking advantage of it.”

Janet stopped throwing daggers at Tony with her eyes and her gaze pointed to the ceiling. The truth was unbearable to hear. 

Tony took a deep breath assessing if he should keep pressing that wound. He realized some of his own frustrations were coming out. He didn’t need love or attention, that wasn’t his issue, it was how she didn’t prioritize the people in her life who did need the love and attention; the twins and Bianca.

“That’s rich coming from you, when was the last time you talked to your kid?” 

Tony sighed, he pursed his lip tightly and nodded. It was a hit below the belt but he knew she was lashing out because he hit her Achillescrier.“Why do you think I’m doing this? I chose my career. You’re looking at your future if you keep going the way you’re going. Alone, with a drinking problem.”

Janet turned away from him and leaned over the sink. She felt sick, her head was spinning. 

“They’ll always be people who need help. But at what cost to you or the people you love the most? Your car’s been blown up, Ash, you were shot at, the twins were almost killed, you were attacked in an alley, you put Richard’s life in danger without a second thought Janet.”

He watched as her shoulders sank and she started trembling and sobbing hysterically. He wasn’t sorry that he said it, it needed to be said but it didn’t make it easier to watch her crumble.  
He walked towards her, not knowing exactly what he was going to do. 

Without turning around she held an arm out, telling him to stop.

Tony looked for a towel or napkin or anything to give her. She took the kitchen towel he offered and blew her nose. Janet took in a deep breath to steady herself and exhaled. She turned around but looked down to the ground. She leaned back against the sink, placing her hands in her pockets.

Tony knew he did what he wanted to do. He hit her where it hurts the most, everything she cares about the most in life. He sighed again, giving her time to compose herself he fetched a double glass of scotch for himself.

Janet, who no longer looked like the demigod that everyone thinks of but instead a mere mortal who was just told she has neglected everyone who loves her the most, looked defeated and sad. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Oh I didn’t do that because I need an apology kiddo.”

“I know but I am sorry.”

“I know.” Tony absentmindedly twirled his glass of scotch.

Janet’s eyes were still aimed at the floor. “I don’t show it but I do appreciate you.”

Tony’s heart broke, he realized this is what his own daughter needed from him. “What are you talking about, this fancy Scotch,” he took a swig wincing as it burned going down his throat, “is all the thanks I need.” 

Janet chuckled and heaved a sigh and looked at the ceiling, willing herself to stop crying.

Tony set his Scotch down. He went to her and she fell into his arms sobbing uncontrollably. He held her until she’d let it all out while trying to keep himself from doing the same. The guilt over his own children and how he’d neglected them washed over him. He felt terrible that he was piling on when he knew she just had her heartbroken but he wasn’t sorry nor would he do anything different. The only thing he would have done differently was to step in sooner before Bianca was through but that wasn’t his- or anyone’s place. 

Janet sobbed her voice breaking. “She told me she was in love with me and I yelled at her. Who does that?”

All Tony could do was rub her back, he wished he could tell her to fix things or it wasn’t too late, he never lied to her and he wasn’t going to start now. Janet could wake up tomorrow and prioritize her work over everyone again and he would have to be there as best as he could for her and the twins. 

“Find a way to fix it, I know you can. I’ve seen people who aren’t keen on you walk through fire for you at work because they have faith in you.”

“She deserves more than me.”

Tony pursed his lips and nodded. “Yes but if she’s in love with you that’s not something that goes away easily now is it? She’s emotionally stuck with you for the moment. Leverage that.”

Janet chuckled, pulling back from him. It was such a manipulative lawyer thing to say. “God we’re terrible people.”

“I believe that’s what my law degree says I don’t know about you.”


	3. Bianca's stance

Bianca Grieve tossed and turned in her bed, puffing frustration through her nostrils. She turned to look at the clock on her nightstand, 4:15 am. She got in a couple of hours ago after a long night at a lesbian bar with her friends who were all happy to have her back. But they were acutely aware she was hurting and told just about every attractive millennial in there that she was a free agent. Bianca was like catnip to them. She was feminine and a cop, she was a bi-curious women’s wet dream. She entertained a few to feed her ego, to prove to herself that she could get back out there. She dipped her toe into the pool just to see if someone could break the spell that Janet King had on her. It’s hard to replace a tall blonde, with symmetrical features, and a strong jawline who possessed degrees from Oxford University and Harvard Law and who had two adorable kids. Margo Robbie wouldn’t be able to break the Janet King spell if she offered herself to Bianca at this point. 

Bianca was flattered at the attention she was getting from what seems to be a very attractive bunch for a hole-in-the-wall dyke bar but she didn’t take anyone home to the chagrin of her friends. 

It was the 7th or 9th night that she was struggling to fall asleep and it was beginning to wear on her. She tried to masturbate but couldn’t muster the motivation, she wanted the real thing, she wanted Janet King in her bed. She tried looking at pictures on her phone she took of her ex-girlfriend, and there was a lot to look at and all it did was make her miss her more. She couldn’t bring herself to delete them. She listened to the voice texts Janet left before things ended, Bianca insisted Janet leave voice texts when she could, she could listen to Janet’s voice all day, especially when she moaned her name. She closed her eyes and tried to recall the times they had face time while they couldn’t be together because of Fiji; the times when Janet would touch herself for a sexually frustrated Bianca who craved her and hated being so far away. No one else ever made her orgasm from hundreds of miles away. Nothing worked, it just made her sad. There was a huge void,her leaving a family she subconsciously adopted; leaving a woman she is so in love with.

She got up out of bed and went into her kitchen, mindlessly turning on the kettle she looked for a mug and tea bag while stifling a yawn. Her mind drifted back to the last time she was able to sleep peacefully, when she was at Janet's house, in her bed, with the blonde wrapped in her arms. Even when they would somehow disentangle from each other during the night, Bianca always woke up to Janet holding her hand or touching a part of her. 

It was a little over two weeks ago when Bianca had given Janet her keys back and told her it was too late to talk. She had meant it at the time, it was borne out of pure frustration. She didn’t think she had to tell her partner that they should put her first. The kettle whistled loudly, breaking Bianca’s reverie. She poured the hot water into her mug and made her way to her couch. It had been so long that Bianca was in her flat full time that she didn’t know where she had left the remote control. Ever since Janet and the twins came back from Fiji, Bianca spent all of the non working time over at theirs. Her life was that of a girlfriend and of a doting co-parent figure. She enjoyed it, she loved it. She grew up thinking she could never have a family of her own since being gay wasn’t as accepted at the time so she resinged herself to the idea of not having one. Australia still didn’t have marriage equality for fuck sakes, the Americans beat us to it, AMERICANS, the land of daily school shootings. Bianca took a premature sip of her tea and accidentally burned her lip. 

“Bloody hell Grieve did you also forget how to drink tea?” She cursed out loud to no one. That was the thing, she wasn’t used to being alone now. Growing up in a big boisterous family she was never alone. She’s had one live-in girlfriend that lasted a little over a year and besides that Bianca’s lived her entire adult life as a bachelorette. Shoshana tried to psychoanalyze her fear of commitment to constantly trying to find what their parents have, true and unconditional love. Her parents adored one another and have been married for over 40 years. Her baby sister was right, she had never met someone she saw herself being with the rest of her life. 

It never bothered her before, living alone. She was always working and always dated so there were plenty of sleepovers. But it did now. The silence was deafening. It was quiet in the living room and it was even quieter in her bedroom. She could no longer listen to Janet’s rhythmic breathing lulling her to sleep.

She couldn’t cry over the breakup anymore because she already let it all out the week following the breakup. She was angry, sad, there were doubts as to whether she was too harsh to not allow Janet to try. But she was done. She was honest when she said she didn’t want Janet to change because the faults that she found in Janet was one of a caring person. She thought about what Shoshana said about Janet growing up alone, without any parental love or sibling support. 

God, I miss her. Bianca thought as she heaved a heavy sigh. The last time she felt like this was when Janet moved to Fiji. It was so sudden that Bianca didn’t know how to handle it. She was disappointed in herself for not figuring out it was Peta and she had failed to protect the twins. So she didn’t put up too much of a fuss when Janet left. They didn’t talk about their relationship, it was still in the early stages. Janet just wanted to get her kids away, far away from all of the shooting and death and crazy woman trying to kill her kids. 

They didn’t speak for a month and Bianca thought they were done. She went through a period where she tried to fuck everything moving just to not think about her. It was a self-pity bender combined with feeling like a failure. After a month, she received a picture postcard of Janet and the twins from Fiji happy, tanned, and inviting. “We miss you, come to paradise,” the postcard said. She packed a bag and they somehow made the year and half long-distance relationship work. She used the copious amounts of vacation time she racked up and spent weeks at a time in Fiji, and Janet and the twins would fly home and stay with her when they had a break from school. Her second bedroom still had 2 twin beds with sheets from the movie Frozen and Toy Story. 

Things were easy then because the physical separation made everyone really happy when they reunited. Janet thrived in Fiji, she was teaching the top lawyers from all over the world. The workload was lighter, she was shaping brilliant legal minds making a difference ostensibly around the world. There wasn’t anyone trying to kill her or her children. And they were in Fiji for crying out loud. Even when she first got back to Sydney she was still so relaxed that she had a spring in her step. It all went downhill with Clay Nelson, then Pearl, then Richard.

Post breakup Bianca still saw Janet at work but it was always in passing. When Janet was in her office which was rare these days, she stayed there, never really leaving unless she had to. With the findings from their inquiry handed over to ASIO, their task force disbanded and Janet had a lot less on her plate until she picked a new project. She worked from home half of the week, and stayed hidden in her office at work. There were rumors of her leaving all together which hit Bianca like a brick. 

Bianca split her time between Canberra and the NCC, her presence was needed less there too and she mostly pawned everything off to Wayne. The few meetings that required both of them to be in the same room for an extended amount of time Bianca tried hard not to stare. Janet looked good, really good as of late. Her hair was longer & a shade of honey golden brown darker than her usual platinum locks. Bianca thought she saw red nail polish. Instead of looking like crap after a big break up, it was very Janet King to look the opposite, even more stunning. It made sense to Bianca, no one was going to see her down and out, it wasn’t the Janet King brand. A woman of her stature, high profile figure in a patriarchal zoo that was the New South Wales criminal justice system couldn’t afford to look like a hot mess just because she was having personal issues. Society wouldn’t allow that moreover Janet King would not have it. 

It wasn’t just Bianca who thought so, Bonnie made a remark about how “Jaz” must be seeing someone because she’s ‘looking smoking hot lately’. She wore pencil skirts more often than pant suits showing off her long, long legs. The legs Bianca was use to being wrapped around her waist. Bianca noticed the doubletakes and neck turns Janet was getting from men and women in the office. Usually everyone was too scared to look but they can’t seem to help themselves. It’s human nature to want to stare at beautiful things. I guess the break up did her some good, Bianca thought wryly. 

Bianca for her part put in more time in the gym than she had in years. She started running in the morning again, 7K easily, fueled by sexual frustration. She cut out beer, empty carbs don’t help to maintain lean muscles. Bianca has always maintained herself physically as a part of her job. Chasing down criminals or sparring with someone twice her size demanded that she be in tip-top condition. It just so happens that maintaining sculpted arms and V-cut abs really turned your girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend.

Bianca abandoned her scalding tea and made her way to her bathroom. A cold shower was in order then she was going to drive to her parent’s place today. She planned on staying the weekend. She needed to be around the family if she was going to endure this painful process. Grabbing her mobile to text her mum a text came in from Tony.

“Random question, is there a stuffed animal dog named Chase at yours or in your car? Liam is going mental without it. I can come get it if you find it…. Or you can drop it off, unless you’re not done punishing her.”

Tony never did mince words nor passive-aggressive. He had one setting that cranky potato, but Bianca had a soft spot for him because she knew he looked out for them, especially when she wasn’t around.

Bianca went to look in her car. She knew exactly what he was talking about. She had gotten Liam the toy for his birthday with his name stitched on it. He loved the Paw Patrol Chase because Chase was a cop, which warmed Bianca’s heart beyond anything. Straining to reach under the passenger side seat she felt it and yanked it out. 

“Ah ha!” She exclaimed triumphantly.

She drew herself a bath, setting the little stuffed dog on a stool. She stared at it while sitting in the tub, thinking about her next move, and remembered what Tony told her weeks ago. “Be sure.”

She was miserable, beyond miserable without them. She felt lost, unable to move on even though she had given it time and Janet also, surprisingly has given her space. She expected her to impose her will on the situation but she didn’t. She actually listened, finally. She thought about what her little sister said about letting things boil and then blowing up and stomping out. She thought about the text Janet sent, it was sincere, Janet was always sincere. 

“Chase, cop to cop, what should I do?” She asked the stuffed animal.

“Yea that’s what I thought too.” She said to no one. 

Bianca hoisted herself out of the bath and got ready for her day.


	4. Emma to the rescue

“Mum!” Janet heard her young son scream from his room.

She dropped what she was doing and immediately ran to the twin’s room.

“Liam what’s the matter bub?”

There was her 5 year old son, standing in the middle of what could be a class 5 tornado if Australia had them. Toys, books, pillows strewn everywhere.

“I can’t find Chase!” A distraught Liam declared, lips pouting in preparing for one of his tantrums. Chase, a cartoon German Shepard who was also a cop, was a character from Paw Patrol, his favorite show.

“Well we can get another one bub.” Janet tried to sidestep over sharp Buzz Lightyear doll to get to her distraught boy.

“I don’t wanna a new one I want the one Bi Bi gave me.” He was in full meltdown mode now.

Just then Emma poked her head in the door just to say, “Only babies play with stuffed animals.”

“Em!” Janet chided.

“Be quiet! I hate you too.” Liam wailed. 

Janet knelt before Liam who was crying hysterically now. She gently brushed his blonde curl away from his face. 

“Darling, we’ll find Chase, he’s around here somewhere.”

“No he’s not! I looked! I want Bi Bi!” He cried breaking his mother’s heart. She tried to collect her in his arms but he refused pushing her away. “No, I want Bi Bi!”

Janet took it, his anger and frustration. She understood why.

“It’s your fault she’s not here. I want Bi Bi!” He threw himself on his bed and kicked his legs, regressing to his toddler tantrums.

Janet was at a loss. She didn’t know what to do. 

Emma came up from behind her grabbed her hand briefly squeezed it before letting go. She walked over to her brother and lovingly stroked his head. 

“I didn’t mean to call you a baby Liam. I’ll help you look for Chase, he’s here I promise.”

“No he’s not.” Liam muffled through his tears.

Janet understood that he ultimately wanted Bi Bi as much as he wanted his toy, they were one and the same to him.

“Liam how about this, we go get a nugget happy meal then you can play in the ball pit?” Janet said shuddering at the thought of either. She rarely allowed them McDonalds and the ball pit was one giant cesspool to her, but she knew he loved it. At that moment she would have given him anything he wanted. She just couldn’t give him the only person he wanted.

His little blue eyes peaked through strands of blonde curls.

“Ok.” He said meekly, wiping his nose on his sleeve. 

Janet breathed a sigh of relief. While they were getting ready she frantically called Tony and asked him to pick up a duplicate.

She was floundering and she knew it. It was an unfamiliar feeling, not knowing what to do, not having control of the situation. She couldn’t remember the last time she ate full meals or slept an entire night. She was failing her children on an epic level.

When Tony showed up that night with the replacement Chase, it blew up in her face. Liam knew it was a fake immediately because the one Bi Bi got for him had his name stitched onto it. She knew she should have stuck to her stance of not lying to her children. Liam thew another tantrum before finally falling asleep from exhaustion.

She read Emma a story before tucking her in. “I’m proud of you today Em. I’m very proud of how you’ve been through- Mum’s just very proud of you.”

“It’ll be ok Mum.”

Janet didn’t know what good she’d done to deserve Emma because her 5 year old daughter has singlehandedly been holding her together.

“I love you.”

“I know,” Emma said sleepily.

Janet kissed her daughter on her forehead, checking on Liam one more time before going to her own bedroom.

Janet sat in the cold darkness of her bedroom. It was going to be another sleepless night, she didn’t know how she was functioning on 3 hours a night lately.

She reached for her iPad, bringing it to life she went in search of her photos. There they were, hundreds of videos and pictures of the kids and Bianca. 

She started to flip through them. Videos of Bianca teaching them how to surf, how to ride a bike, how to swim, she was there for it all. 

“Mum look!” Emma screamed with delight as Bianca pushed her bicycle gently forward, holding on until she was sure the little girl balanced herself.

She watched another video she took of of Bianca paddling on a long surfboard with Liam on the front of it. She caught a wave, stood up got her footing before lifting Liam up and guiding them both on the board towards the shore. 

She laughed through her tears watching a video of Liam sitting on Blanca’s shoulder, his hands covering her eyes as he tried to tell her which way to go to pin the tail on the donkey in their backyard in Fiji. Emma could be heard laughing hysterically in the background.It was their 4th birthday.

The long-distance was hard for those 14 months. Bianca understood she needed to get them away from Sydney after they almost got crushed by an elevator. . 

They made it work. They made a deal to not go more than 3 weeks. Bianca had banked so many vacation days that her boss was practically pushing her out the door to use them after the shooting. She had flown out with them, spending 3 weeks settling them in and bathing in the Fiji Sun and crystal clear waters with Janet. 

Janet and the children would come back to Sydney during their Christmas break, living in Bianca’s loft where she had put in two twin beds in her guest room.

Janet remembered being a lot less stressed in Fiji. The work was challenging and rewarding, teaching top minds from around the world but the hours were structured and never deviated from a set schedule, not like the DPP where a single case could have her logging 80 hour weeks from hell.

She spent more time with the kids than she had since their first year. Her focus was to make sure they were not irreparably harmed from what had happened with Peta. They seemed to be incredibly resilient. She promised herself she wouldn’t neglect them again, putting work first and pawning them off to Tony or her mum or Bianca. That promise didn’t last a week once they got back to New South Wales.

Between Rose the babysitter, Tony, and Bianca, Janet realized she couldn’t have thrived at work without them. There simply weren’t enough hours in a day when work consumed on average 10 hours of her days. That left very little time for the kids and any time at all for anyone else, including a lover.

She conflated seeing Bianca at work with Bianca's girlfriend time. The first gave ample face time the later Bianca rarely had her full attention as a girlfriend. At work, she was the boss, not the partner. She realized she treated Bianca the same way at home, delegating duties and making unilateral decisions like ‘allowing’ her to move in when she’s been hinting at it for months or getting Pearl an apartment. These things were not discussed but rather dictated by Janet and Bianca had to fall in line just like their professional roles.

Even her “I’m ready to talk” speech was utterly selfish. 

“I’ve been waiting since you got back from Fiji to talk to you.” Bianca responded astonished at how callous she could be. 

The anger and hurt in her voice when she said it broke Janet every time she replayed it in her head. 

They should have talked about moving in together before Janet moved back to Sydney. That was the logical step. 

Fuck, why didn’t I think about that? Janet knew the answer. 

She wasn’t thinking about what would make Bianca happy. 

She wasn’t thinking about what Bianca was thinking period. They were on cruise control, better yet, JANET assumed they were on cruise control, she got everything she wanted and needed and the conversation stopped there, if there was even a conversation.

Janet compounded the problem when she took on Pearl’s issues and gave Graham a carte blanche to treat the most important person in her life like shit. She gave more attention and devotion to two strangers than she did to her girlfriend. 

Bianca had shifted every single aspect of her life to accommodate Janet’s. She doted on her children more than Janet did, always at the after-school practices and school events while Janet showed up late if at all.

She did it without complaining until she understandably couldn’t anymore. 

Janet kept replaying the last few conversations and she couldn’t think of the last time she really listened to Bianca or asked how she was or asked her opinion over anything that wasn’t work-related and even then she didn’t think she considered her feeling there. 

“I feel like I only matter when no one else is around and even then.”

Those words cut like a dagger.

Janet reached for a tissue from her nightstand and blew it. She was all cried out.

“Mum?’ A little voice asked from the door.

Janet wiped her eyes quickly before answering, “What is it, sweetie?”

Emma ran up to her mother’s bed hopped on and hugged her.

“It’s going to be ok.” She said.

Janet laughed/cried and hugged her daughter. 

“Is it because of me?” The little girl asked, looking up at her mother with her big blue eyes. 

“Is what because of you bub?”

“Why Bianca isn’t here anymore, why you’re sad. It’s my fault isn’t it?”

“Oh baby of course it’s not your fault why would you think that?” Janet said stroking Emma's hair. “Bianca adores you.”

“Because I didn’t draw her in my picture. I didn’t mean it. I was mad she was paying more attention to Liam”

Janet laughed. “Oh bub.” She kissed her on her head. “Why didn’t you say so?”

Emma shrugged, “Tell her I’m sorry and that I drawed a new picture. So she can come home and you won’t be sad.”

Janet smiled at the fact that Emma considered this to be Bianca’s home.

“Bianca is mad at mum, she loves you and Liam very much.”

“Even when I didn’t draw her?”

“Yes, even when you didn’t draw her. It may have hurt her feelings, but you don’t stop loving someone because they hurt your feelings.”

“Did you hurt her feelings?”

She nodded,“I did baby.”

“Why?”

“Um,” Jane cleared her throat and played with her daughter’s hair while trying to explain delicately but also truthfully why. She wasn’t going to be the parent who lies or sugarcoat things, not when Emma is displaying an understanding wiser than her age. “I didn’t show her how much I care for her.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Ok, if I tell you that Bianca loves you even though you think she pays Liam more attention would you believe me?”

Emma squinted and considered the question. “Yes.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Because she makes up bedtime stories, she takes us to Maccys for nuggets, she rubs my belly when it hurts, um what else” Janet can see the wheels in her head turn, “she carries me when I’m tired I don’t know mum, she’s always here when you have to work and you alwayssss have to work.”

That last one stung like a razor. Janet cleared her throat and tried to choke back her tears.

“She never gets mad at me, we sometimes make fun of Liam, she makes yummy food not like your cooking mum,” Emma made a face.

Janet laughed, sometimes kids are too honest.

“So you know she loves you because she’s good to you even when you’re not nice and she is always there and she does things to make you happy. Did I get it all?”

“And she’s a good cook.”

“Ok, ok. Is my cooking that bad?”

Emma made that face again.

Janet kissed her head again, not only did she not deserve Bianca, she didn’t deserve her kids.

“Well, mummy didn’t do nice things for Bianca. I haven’t been very nice to her lately.”

“Because of Graham?”

It was like talking to a little Bianca the way her 5-year-old was deducing, her mini inspector.

“Why do you say that?”

“You fight a lot when he is here and you act weird mum. And Bianca stopped sleeping over.”

Again, kids are more aware of things than we give them credit for Janet thought. At least this one does, Janet wasn’t sure about Liam. He’s just been whining about why Bianca hasn’t been here and she has yet to find a way to put it so he would understand.

“Say you’re sorry and be nice to her.”

“It’s not that easy bub.”

“Why? Want me to do it?”

Janet smiled, “She doesn’t want to talk to me and I have to respect that.”

“That’s silly.”

“When you hurt someone who loves you, it’s hard for them to trust that you won’t hurt them again. Does that make sense?”

“But you’re sorry.”

“I am, I’m very very sorry. But that’s not enough.” Janet knew she was reaching the point where things stopped making sense.

“She loves us and we didn’t do anything not nice.”

“She absolutely loves you and Liam. It’s my fault why she can’t be here sweetie.”

“That’s not fair.”

“I agree, it hurts her to see me. I’m 100000% sure she misses you and Liam to pieces.”

“Fix it mum.”

Janet realized this amazing little girl was the product of Bianca much more than she realized. Since getting back from Fiji, Bianca has shouldered the Mummy duties more than she has. She hugged her daughter tightly and rocked her to sleep before succumbing to deep slumber herself.


	5. Tea and biccys

It was still early by the time Bianca got in her car, a few minutes past 6 am. Barely anyone on the road on a Sunday morning, she made it to the King household in less than 10 minutes. Granted she was speeding but there wasn’t anyone on the road to crash into and who was going to pull over? 

She was tired of overthinking it. If these two weeks did anything, it made her realize how ingrained Janet and the twins were to her fabric of life. How her feelings for them didn’t change one bit, if anything she realized just the gravity of her love for them. She thought of what her sister said, how she let things build, blow up and then leave. How one-sided that conversation was, something she was accusing Janet of. She sometimes did this at work to those she was in charge of. But that was different, there are guidelines of exactly how to behave as the officer of the law, no room for interpretations. An officer operating in the gray is not someone any force needs.

There are no steadfast rules when it comes to romantic entanglements, the divorce rate proved as much. If we all knew exactly to behave and understood what our partners demanded of us, divorce lawyers would not exist. Her relationship with Janet was incredibly nuanced. She was tasked with protecting her professionally, and she expected Janet to protect her emotionally. Bianca could see how it would be incredibly confusing, they blurred the line between work and home life constantly. 

It was wrong to leave so abruptly. It was unfair to the kids, it was abandonment. For the second time in their short lives, another figure they cared for left them without as much as a goodbye. Ash’s departure was violent and not at all her choice. Bianca’s was even more sudden and cruel because the twins were aware of her. She owed it to them to hear Janet out instead of being childish and breaking up with her at work and stomping off like she was breaking up with a high school girlfriend. But the break was ultimately needed, and Janet’s text proved that. 

It was all very draining, thinking, second-guessing, ruminating. Bianca had enough. 

Putting the car into park, she closed her eyes and exhaled. There wasn’t a plan, she had no idea what she was doing. She pulled up “JAK” on her mobile and listened to the trill. It only took to rings before she heard the familiar husky voice.

“Hi.”

“Hey,” Bianca could almost hear her smile. “I have a particular cop dog and I’m here for the ransom.”

Janet’s chuckle delighted Bianca to no end. 

“I misplaced the ransom note. What is it that is asked for in return for hostage?”

“Tea.” She heard her groan immediately.

Janet sighed, “That’s really asking for a lot.”

“You would disappoint your only son?”

There was a comfortable pause, “One cuppa.”

“Three.”

“Two, I’ll throw in a biccy.”

Bianca beamed, this inane conversation was the best one she’s had in weeks, it filled her with warmth all over.

“Fine, I’m outside.”

“Now?”

“Mhmm.”

Bianca wanted to jog around the block a couple of times to burn off the nervousness. She felt like she did before she kissed her first girlfriend. It wasn’t until she stepped inside a spacious home with the door closed and shut behind her that she was still again. Janet stood before her in a long silk flower kimono Bianca had given her for her 40th birthday. Her eyes were puffy, darkened lower lids gave her away how much sleep she had been getting, or lack of. But Bianca could still see the azure blue orbs darting back and forth, examining Bianca, she knew Janet’s mind was zipping away like it always does. Janet crossed her arms, not in a defensive mode but more of hugging herself, unsure of what to do.

Bianca did what she felt she wanted to do more than anything and what she knew Janet needed. She closed the space between them and enveloped her in her arms. It was a familiar loving gesture, not a romantic one. Janet sank into the hug, she heaved a sigh and Bianca could feel the tension slowly easy out. She smelled of plumeria and vanilla, the familiar scent of the fancy shampoo she uses. 

They stood there like that for a while. There wasn’t a tearful reunion, nor a lustful embrace. Words would come later, maybe a row or two but for now, it was what both of them needed. It was pure, uncomplicated, and is assuaged all of the doubts Bianca had of coming there that morning. Every bone in her body told her she was right. 

She held her for what seemed like an eternity yet it didn’t come close to feeling long enough before kissing her on the top of her head and reluctantly letting her go. 

Janet broke away, quickly wiping her nose as she headed to the kitchen. 

“Come along now before you complain about lukewarm tea.”

Bianca obliged, smiling as she did once over of the room. Everything was in its place of course. Janet King was not the type to let her appearance nor her home go. She needed to maintain appearance at work and she needed to maintain an orderly, tidy home for the twins. Bianca’s flat was an absolute disaster, she had no one to maintain appearances for.

Bianca set the plush toy dog on the kitchen table and settled into a chair.

“Your hair, I like it.”

Janet touched her bun self consciously in a way that reminded Bianca of that night in the motel room when they shared beers. 

“Platinum blonde is hard to maintain and not exactly realistic for a middle-aged woman.” Janet carried two piping mugs to the table and settled across from Bianca. 

“Are you having tea too?”

“Oh God no, it’s coffee. I haven’t changed that much.”

They both paused at her statement, both taking sips of their drink, letting the unintended message sink in.

“Well I like it, dirty blonde suits you.”

“Thank you for bringing it.” Janet said pointing with her chin at the toy dog. “He was for sure going to disown me today.”

“How have they been?”

Janet sighed, “Emma’s been incredibly mature about it, she’d be the only one out of all of us. Liam, he looks at me and sees the reason you aren’t here. Hard for them to think you’re … .” Janet cleared her throat, she didn't want to finish, she didn't want to put that sentence out in the universe, she didn't even want to hear it.

Bianca leaned forward, “I’m sorry about that. I bungled it with them, I shouldn’t leave abruptly like that.”

Janet shrugged, it was all new territory to her. “I took them to Macca’s yesterday and it seemed to calm things. I figured I’d keep doing that, have obese children until I figure it out.”

“It’s either that or your cooking and have them malnourished.”

Janet scoffed. “Ah, the truth comes out now I see. My cooking was fine when we were…” Janet let the thought trail off, awkwardly circling the top of her mug with her finger. 

“How’s Graham?”

Janet met her gaze at that question. Her eyebrows furrowed. 

“Listen, I’m sorry I let him-”

Bianca waved her off, “We’ll get into that another time.”

“To be honest I’m not sure, last I heard he’s back in Perth. My sister is taking care of him. At least that’s what my mother tells me.”

Bianca choked on her hot tea. “You have a sister?”

“Mhmm.”

“I’ve never heard you mention her, not even when Graham was here.”

“Nothing to tell. We’ve never got on she thought I was dead weight, an embarrassment to her. She was always the favorite. She became a prima ballerina while I quit, she’s a surgeon and I’m not silk or a judge.”

“That hardly seems fair.”

Janet shrugged. “Sprinkle in a little homophobia and I have a laundry list of reasons why we’ve been estranged for over 20 years.”

Bianca couldn’t imagine not talking to her siblings for more than 20 days.

“Homophobic?” 

Janet nodded. “My mother wasn’t a fan either until I was pregnant. Graham just ignores it.”

“Oh I know.”

The comment pained Janet. “Bianca, I don’t know why I behaved the way I did with you in front of Graham but it was wrong, and unacceptable and I’m really sorry.”

“I know you are.”

“Grace was very hard to live up to. She’s their pride and joy, proof that they did it right.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Raising an intolerant, homophobic asshole is nothing to be proud of Bianca thought.

Janet shrugged again, almost seemingly numbed to the subject. “That’s why I went far far away for university then law school. To get the hell away from all of them.”

“What made you come back?”

“Ash.” She was softly her voice breaking. “We met while I was at Oxford.”

They sat in silence for a few beats. It was incomprehensible how anyone could be disappointed in Janet. It was unimaginable the loneliness she dealt with growing up. 

She moved back for Ash. She came back to a place that traumatized her for the woman she loved. 

“Enough about me, how have you been?”

“Hmm, nothing really. I went to Canberra last week for a meeting. Commissioner Kershaw has reached out to the FBI, he wants them to train us on weeding out spies.”

“Hmm, for the AFP-ASIO Foreign Interference Task Force.” Janet said casually.

“How- why-. How do you know? It seemed hush hush.” 

“They asked me to - it doesn’t matter what they asked me to do, I said no. I gave my notice but Tony talked me down to taking a leave of absence.”

Bianca was floored at the news. “Why? What?”

Janet took a deep breath and crossed her arms. “Looking back at how many times people have tried to kill me, how many times they’ve tried to kill my famil-and actually succeeding.”

Bianca wanted to come to her but they were in a holding pattern where she was unfamiliar with the boundaries.

“I’ve become a monster. It’s not normal, to go back to the same job after it cost you a partner and almost cost me the twins.” Janet got up, the air in her kitchen felt heavy and stifling. She went to pour herself another cup of coffee. Bianca’s reticence wasn’t surprising, she was always a good listener. “We negotiated 2 cuppas, yes? Are you ready for your second?”

“You’re not a monster Janet.”

For the 100th time of that week, Janet willed herself to keep it together.

“Come, sit please.” Bianca beckoned.

Janet obeyed, she went back to her seat and Bianca got up from hers to sit closer to Janet. She leaned forward, with her elbow on her knees and took Janet’s hand. She held it, rubbing the top Janet’s hand tenderly with her thumb. She leaned down and kissed it softly.

“I wouldn’t be here if you were a monster.”

“You’re here for the kids.”

“Those kids are who they are because of you.”

“That’s debatable.”

“They’d be so proud once they understand what it is that you do.”

“Place blame, point fingers and tell people they’re guilty for a living?”

“No, you defend people who can’t defend themselves. You hold the true monsters accountable.”

“I’ve done neither lately. This entire time, all that energy look what it got me, Owen taking it all.”

“It got you me.” Bianca replied and smiled lovingly.

Janet smiled sweetly as she nodded, “And look how badly I fucked that up.”

“So you’re not perfect after all. I’ll be sure to let my diary know.” Bianca smiled and it melted Janet’s whole being.

“You’re important to me you know, more than anyone else besides those two idiots up there. You’re so easy to be with & so supportive that - there’s no excuse- I should have-”

Janet King, lost for words is something that doesn’t happen. Bianca tapped her hand gently. “I know I know.”

“I won’t make that mistake twice. Tony said I’m like a dog with a bone, a starving dog.”

Bianca chuckled, he wasn’t wrong. “I wouldn’t have come if I didn’t know that about you.”

“What changed your mind.”

“To be honest? My sister" 

“Isla?”

“No Shoshana.”

“How many of you are there?”

“I lost count.”

Janet smiled mischievously, “Do any of them like damaged middle-age women, with two really cute kids?”

“This one loves you, and you’re not damaged or on the market.” Bianca retorted kissing the inside of her palm.

Janet felt like the elephant that had been sitting on her chest lifted his fat ass off her. “I’m going to earn you, you’ll see.”

“Hmm.” Bianca hummed, relishing being able to touch her again.


End file.
